what i learned from the Kardashians

Sure, sure, laugh all you want, but I love to watch and read about that krazy klan of dark haired women (and their poor, shadowed brother.) Their lives are so bizarrely meta: they appear on reality shows about their lives on reality shows. (humina what now?) Yet, in the midst of contrived situations and post-production editing, something rings true about their family dynamics. You ready?

Here it is:

"This too shall pass."

Boyfriend gets drunk and embarrasses himself?
Sisters fight over who is shirking their responsibilities?
Mom forces a DNA test on her daughter to prove paternal lineage?
Stepfather finds out about your engagement via the tabloids?

Don't worry- by the time this episode airs, all of the strife will have passed. Can you imagine? What an amazing gift of perspective: to watch yourself worrying about a problem that was solved long ago. It's a journal with sound bites and background music.

Lately, around here, life has offered one brutality after another. It's funny, because ever since August 22nd, when the world exploded with love, I have cursed every moment that passes, clinging with delirious fervor to my baby and her first year of life. That's hard to reconcile with today, and yesterday, and next week, all of which I am actively wishing away.

How can I want so badly to fast forward time, to achingly wish Cassidy well again, to finish this semester of classes from hell, to MOVE ON from this awful awful time, all the while resigning myself to the sadness of Clara growing and growing and growing? How can I reconcile these deep, powerful, conflicting desires?
This is grown up life; this is living with grief; this is the difficulty of loving a child; this is why a degree is worth something; this is a fallen world; this is humanity.
This is when you pray for peace.

I am not a Kardashian, unfortunately. I'd be a good addition, I just know it. (I'll get a spray tan, guys! Just let me in!) I do not get to sit down wearing an overpriced pair of high heels four months from now and grimace/laugh/cry at the hijinks of my life. I have to live here, and now, and pray for perspective. I mean, I know that this too shall pass. I know that.

The thing is, I'm not sure what I want more:

for time to pass...

or for time to stop.


And that, I suppose- that is humanity.



photo credits: 
top photo, Valerie Davenport Photography
bottom photo, Alene Horney